Saturday, April 16, 2005

Irritation of the Week

Without getting into details, I've been estranged from my family for several years. My father disappeared when I was 15 (my parents separated when I was 12), and I've not heard from him since. I was not so fortunate with my mother, who continued to abuse me until I was 22. It is hard to explain to those who have never experienced severe abuse how damaging it is, and how hard it is to get away from....after all, can't you just see it and realize that it is wrong? But emotional and sexual abuse are often the hardest to recognize - I am not insinuating that physical abuse is easier to go through, but it is often easier to convince people that they should not be hit/beaten. Few people in civilized society think that is acceptable. However, emotional and sexual abuse is pervasive and difficult to define. Who can determine what is emotional abuse? There are definitions, but they can vary depending on the situation. Nonetheless, I've debated over the years about trying to contact my mother, if only just to attempt to have civil contact with her. My grandparents are not getting any younger, and I would prefer to not have to have a future difficult time compounded by two people who do not get along. I shelved the idea recently due to my new job, my new relationship, my new home, my senior year in college, my second job getting very get my drift? That was one more thing on the stress meter I didn't need. However, she has decided the push the issue and try to get my personal information from a friend. He asked me how I felt about it, and I decided that she could have my business address, at which she can write me (she doesn't have access to the internet, or else I would have recommended she do a "Google" search and e-mail me!). A week later, I've heard nothing, probably because I ticked her off. She is very controlling, and by not giving her exactly what she wanted, I might have sent her off into a rage. I still may hear from her....we shall see. Someone whom I respect suggested that I was being "tough." Several times this was mentioned. I struggle with this, because while I can be very hard-line about certain issues (did I hear someone say, "hardheaded?" ::glares::), I try to be far and accept that not everyone has the capacity to be glorious individuals. Some people are too far gone to be more than tolerable, and you have to accept that. You can't ask someone to be what you want them to be. You can only accept them for what they are. I'm not saying this to be an ass....some people strive to better themselves and become more than who they are now. I consider myself in this category. Others do not, and you can't demand it of people. I have come to accept that there are folks out there who will never be more than they are, despite our wishing that they would do more/be more in their lives. Perhaps I am being tough - it bothers me as I translate that to mean that I am being calloused or closed off. I view my behavior as fair - I was injured, through no fault of my own, and I'm going to be suspicious until I see evidence of no ill will. But I am willing to give people the chance to make good on their past bad deeds - just as I hope others would give to me. But if they offer it to me, that also means I may have to jump through hoops to get their trust back. So be it. I find that fair - I screw up, I have to work hard to make it up. Right or wrong, it is my decision that I have to live with, and I'll take being "tough" if it means not leaving myself vulnerable to someone I don't have any reason to trust. And there's my little personal view into Ally's life.