Monday, January 24, 2005

Thoughts

I am overwhelmed on two fronts lately. In many ways, it is a good thing. It means my development as a human being is continuing. That does not come close to describing the struggle it is. I am not a very forgiving person. Mind you, I don't jump on people I know and care about for minor human fallacies. We are all bound to do dumb things on occasion. Oh well. However, serious breaches and bad behavior generally come with a quick consequence in my world. It is not always fair, and often, I struggle to let go of it. I've spent years trying to understand and beat a dead horse, but there comes a point where you just have to decide what you are going to do. People are not perfect paintings - they are flawed, and often you have to tolerate the flaws in order to accomplish or be part of a greater good. You can have high standards and force everyone to meet them - and you can live a very lonely life. Or you can have high standards, accept that not everyone is going to live up to it - including yourself - and get on with life. As certain events develop in my life, I'll blog more on it, but that is one thing I wanted to get off my chest. The second thing: people are gifts, that we take for granted. I am not saying that from just that mushy I'm-in-a-happy-relationship-and-the-world-is-rosy. Not at all - but look at someone you know. Examine (as best you can) their heart. Some people are naturally selfish and desire to have things convenient for themselves. If helping someone else happens to coincide with their desire, then so be it. Otherwise, tough luck, pal. Yet there are others whose hearts are truly kind - and we often take them for granted or abuse them. My boyfriend made the comment that my ex-husband is a fool - I think he was heavily drugged on medication and was appreciating being taken care of since he did not feel good. However, he was right. My ex was a fool. Not because I was the perfect wife - I certainly have my flaws, and at the time, I was mentally screwed up and an emotional wreck. But my ex used that to his advantage, got off on his ability to make me believe I was insane and simple-minded, and never appreciated how much I cared for him. Let me tell you - to have someone who truly loves you, who will sit by your side when you lay ill, who will support and love you even through the arguments and trying times - that is a gift. I am very careful not to take good hearts for granted - which is not to say I never do. I too get irritated and snappy at times, and want to kick myself later for over-reacting. But I try to make sure that when I go to sleep at night, when those that I care about leave my presence, they know that I care, and that I appreciate having them in my life. Okay, enough of that blather.