Sunday, December 19, 2004

Antics of Women

We women are a strange breed. Every time I hear a woman complain about men and their idiosyncrasies (many of which I myself wonder at) I want to remind her of our own odd behaviors that confuse men, and often, ourselves. 1. We always survey the room to see who is our competition. If you doubt me, watch women when they enter of room - or watch yourself, if you are a woman. I'm as guilty as the next person. I notice this especially at parties or at the gym. We take a casual glance around, looking to see who looks better than us, who is with someone and who is not. We look for wedding bands, frumpy clothing, bad hair, make-up applied with a palette knife. Then, if we find someone who may possibly be more attractive than us, we look for flaws: isn't her nose a hair too long? Her knees are knobby. Her teeth are unattractively crooked. Her laugh is horrifying. Then we immediately feel better about ourselves. However, if the woman is deemed more attractive than ourselves, we are immediately jealous and try to see more devious flaws that may not be obvious to the naked eye. Clearly she is married, but flirting with another man (she may just be asking for the time - but we don't care). Perhaps we know she has children (two kids and she has the nerve to look that good?!) and she is out late - lousy mother. Yes, gentlemen, welcome to the female mind. 2. We are extraordinarily irrational during arguments. Now this is not limited to women, but we are not the kind to walk away from an argument, so our irrationality usually is greater and more bizarre than the average man's. Case and point: today, while working out at a universal machine - a unit that has several different exercise machines on either end and usually a pulley system in the center - and a woman and man were having an exchange while attempting to work out. Any such sweaty, muscle-up thoughts were long gone when they started reviewing a discussion they had before they arrived. It had something to do with visiting her parents vs. his, though before long the discussion had to do with him being insensitive and selfish, despite the fact that he was apologizing and giving in to her demands. But no, she was not about to have any of that. He was going to be aware of what a cad he was, no matter that he clearly felt he had taken the wrong position in the argument and was recanting his original stand. Nope, for her, it was the principle of the thing....a principle that was long gone. Imagine how much fun it was to be sweating my butt off trying to exercise while listening to this woman's rants! I found an alternative machine and left, just as she started gesticulating wildly. She was still hollering (he was listening obediently) when I finished my workout. 3. We like to feed people. Not all women fall into this category, but many of us do. I have surprised myself by weaseling my way into this habit as I've learned to cook and bake a bit more. And it doesn't matter if you claim you are stuffed - surely you can fit a bit more in. The person could seriously need to lose a few pounds, but we are not happy until you are ready to burst. And we have to know that you like what we made. We parade out foodstuffs as though in a fashion show of edibles and watch your expression with a fervor only matched by an Olympic contender watching the score boards. And you better finish what is on your plate. 4. We might hate you, but you'll think we really like you. THIS is something that drives me up the wall. If I don't like you, I have no problem letting you know. Now mind you, I'll be respectful - that is my nature. But I'm not going to pretend to like someone I just don't care for. I'll be polite, but I'm not going to be their best friend. This is something I witness in at work: they - women - gossip viciously about a female boss, taking up the better portion of their conversation (and day) discussing her lousy management skills, her bad mothering (how do they know?!), her bad health habits (their business - why?), and then when she walks in the room, they want to know all about how her weekend was, did her little girls do _______(fill in the blank with kiddie activity) and how her mother is doing. WHAT?! You hate this woman! Why as stupid questions about her well-being when you criticize her on a regular basis? Again, I think you should always be polite towards people, even when you don't like them, but why go out of your way to go over the top and act like their best friend? 5. We want details. Ask a man to describe how his best friend proposed, and he'll give you a blank look. Ask a woman, and it is an hour-long marathon of details. Yep, I do this too. I want to know it all. And guys, if you think your sexual prowess is only known in the bedroom, think again. And if you break-up/get divorced, your bedroom mess-ups become the topic of the century - and not a few jokes get thrown in your direction. And this goes for that famous question, "Why do you love me?" Never, ever, ever, EVER say, because you're pretty. Make this statement, and you can hear the death nell going off for the relationship. And saying, "You're smart, funny, and attractive," doesn't cut it either. We want DETAILS! How are we smart, funny, and attractive? Now, if you can come up with specific instances that made your heart skip-a-beat over being with us (just come up with something here - and make sure you have the right girlfriend in the story), we are swooning over your sensitivity and what a wonderful man you are. There you go guys - a brief (very) foray into the minds of women. I'll try to keep you in the know as I think of more oddities of the female species. I find us a bit odd as well - probably why I don't get along with women easily. But I'll do my best.